Clean Jokes Set 3

If only Adam and Eve were Chinese they
would not have committed the original sin.
They would have eaten the snake and sold the apple.

Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.
Ano naman and laging napuputol? CAT.
E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.
Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!

Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?
Dahil bawal ka doon...!

General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.
Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.

Lumulubog ang barko...
Pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
Madre: Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta. Lucia!...
Intsik: Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak
tawak pa kayo pasahero!!!

Tuwing naririnig kitang kumanta, parang gusto kong itape.....
ITAPE ang bibig mo!!!!!

Amo: Inday, pagdating ng buyer ng bahay, sabihin mo
nagse-second thought pa kami ng sir mo.
Maid: Upu Mam!Later,,,
Buyer: Saan ang amo mo?
Maid: Si Sir po at si Mam eh nagsisikentut pa pu.

Erap to Bro. Mike Velarde.
Erap: Can Prostitute be saved?
Bro. Mike: Siyempre!
Erap: Sige, i-save mo ako para sa Sabado night.

May isang langgam na dumapo sa tenga ng elepante.
May ibinulong ito. Hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng
langgam?
Sagot: Buntis ako! Ikaw ang ama.

Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon.
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Tange! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.

Erap buying chewing gum sa 711.
Erap: Etong bayad!
Cashier: Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap: Ha? E asan yung libreng asukal?
Cashier: Bakit?
Erap: Sabi dito e sugar-free! Asan na?

FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of
them is blinfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them.
The executioner starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came.
FVR was able to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!".
The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call.
The executioner started counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....".
Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!"

Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia? Erap: Well, it was nice.
I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos!
It was written: "Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"

The dictator Marcos proved that you can make yourself rich if you become President.
The housewife Cory proved anyone can be President.
The alcoholic Erap proves that we don't need a President.

Reporter: Sir, when you were in Ateneo have you learned about liturgy?
Erap: Aba, hindi lang liturgy! Pati litur H, I, J...

Ilang liters meron ang Coke 2000?
Erap: Apat! Liter C, liter O, liter K, liter E!

Cory: Ba't ba ayaw mo ng English?
Erap: Nakakalito kasi, e! Tingnan mo... ang isda, Pis. Ang mukha, Pis. Ang katahimikan, Pis.
Sa mga subdivision may Pis 1, Pis 2, Pis3...

Erap heard a guy at a nearby table saying "All Filipinos are assholes."
Erap: Who said that?
(The guy stood up, 7 ft. pala!)
Guy: Why, are you a Filipino?
Erap: No, I'm an asshole.

Q: Why does Erap like a BMW better than a Volkswagen?
A:He can spell BMW.

Q: How did Erap break his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.

Q: Why did Erap instruct his maid to change his baby's diaper only once a month?
A: Because it says right on the package that it's good for up to 20 pounds.

Q: Why doesn't Erap eat Jell-O?
A: Because he can't figure out how to get 2 cups of water into those little packages.

Q: If Erap and Cory are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: Cory... Erap has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: Why did Erap tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Q: What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: He moved.

Erap: Isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: Anong problema?
Erap: Walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Anong title?
Erap: Head Cleaner.

Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
Malacañang palace without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!

Erap's wisdom:
1. Don't judge a book if you're not a judge.
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
3. Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you mine.
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.

Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer!
Man: Bakit?
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!

Erap sees a ballet performance. He sees four dancers tiptoeing ang twirling.
Erap: tanga rin ng choreographer no? Bat di nalang matangkad ang kinuha nila?

Mr. President, bakit po ba paika-ika kayong maglakad?
Erap: I have high cholesterol. Sabi ng doktor, iwasan ko daw yung itlog.

PRESS: Mr. President, what can you say about the violence here in the Philippines?
ERAP: I don't even know how to play the guitar, violence pa!

Erap and Loi were out on an African safari when suddenly a lion
sprang out of nowhere and draged Loi with its jaws.
Loi: Shoot! SHOOT!
ERAP: I Can't !! La na akong Film!!

Erap was going to Malacanang when the security guard stopped him.
Guard: Ang ID ninyo po? so nilabas ni erap ang ID niya.
Guard: Um..Ipin ninyo Po. ... Erap smiled.
Erap: Ok ba ipin ko?

Jinggoy: Daddy anong spelling ng saksesful? single ba o double "s"?
Erap: tatlohin mo na para sigurado!

There was a mirror that eats liars.
Pangit: I think I'm CUTE! - kinain siya.
Taba: I think I'm SEXY! - kinain siya.
Erap: I think.. - kinain na.

Merong isang US Navy ship ang lumubog dahil sa lakas ng bagyo. Lahat ng sakay ay
nalunod maliban sa 3 na napadpad sa isang isla. Isa ay Amerikano, ang isa ay Hapon at
ang isa ay Filipino. Ang Filipino ay medyo black sheep sa kanila kaya napilitang mag
US Navy. Ttumagal sila ng may 20 taon sa islang yon. Hanggang isang araw ay may nakita
silang lampara na lulutang lutang sa dagat. Binuksan nila yon at bigla na lang lumabas ang
genie. Dahil sa tinulungan ninyo akong makalabas ng lamparang yan ay bibigyan ko kayo
ng tig isang wish. Okay sabi nila. Nauna ang Amerikano. I want to go back to my country
USA. .In a split second andoon agad siya sa kanyang pamilya sa states. Sumunod ay ang
Hapon. I want to go back to my country Japan. Andon agad siya sa Japan. Sumunod ang Filipino.
Filipino: Luku-luko yung mga yon ah. Iniwan ako! Genie paki-balik na lang uli sila. In a split
second andoon na ulit sila lahat. Di niyo yata mauutakan ang Pinoy!