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Contributed Jokes Set B

 Jinggoy: Sa Cubao, may cellphone, P1000 lang isa.
Jude: Ah ganon ba? Anong klase?
Jinggoy: GSM.
Jude: Ba ok yon ah. Mkabili nga. Bat ang mura?
Jinggoy: Kasi nga GSM - GALING SA MAGNANAKAW!

Old mother hoberd went to the coberd to get her dog a bone
And when she bent over the dog took over and gave her a bone of his own

Sa bayan ng Naga City,ay marami pa na ang mga hanapbuhay
ay kalesa. At mayroong kutsero doon, na ang kanyang kabayo
pag nakakita ng magandang babae ay tumitigas ang kanyang
ari. Isang araw, sa gitna ng trapik ay nakakita ng magandang
babae ang kanyang kabayo. Iyan ang dahilan kung kaya
nagkabuhol-buhol ang trapiko. At galit na galit ang pulis sa
kutsero dahil sa nangyari. Sabi ng pulis, alisin mo iyang kabayo
mo. Sagot ng kutsero, sir hindi po iyan lalakad hanggang matigas
ang kanyang ari. Kung gusto ninyo ay subukan ninyong paalisin.
Pero kahit anong gawin ng pulis ay hindi niya ito mapaalis.
Sa inis ng pulis, sinabihan niya ang kutsero na babarilin niya ang
kabayo. Sabi ng kutsero, wag ho sir at iyan lang ang hanapbuhay
ko. Hayaan ninyo ho at ako na ang bahala. Sa pagtataka ng pulis
ay biglang lumiit ang ari ng kabayo. Kaya tinanong niya ang kutsero
kung ano ang kanyang ginawa. Sikreto ko ho iyon. Sabi ng pulis,
babarilin ko ang iyong kabayo pag hindi mo sinabi kung ano ang
iyong ginawa. Pero wag ho kayong magalit? Sabi ng kutsero sa
pulis. Sabi ng pulis, hindi ako magagalit. Sabi ng kutsero, Sir sabi ko
ho sa kabayo, pag hindi mo iyan pinaliit ay sisipsipin iyan ng pulis.

A laywer was driving home from work one day when this crazy
pedestrian drunkenly ambles out onto the road. The laywer swerves
to avoid him and the left side of his car is scratched terribly as he
squeezes between two cars and hits the parking brake on the side
of the road.Instantly he calls the police and has them come over to
help sort things out. gago kayo wala kayong pakinabang mga tanga
shit mga gago kayo kayo dyan!!!wag na kayong mag labas ng jokes
wala namang kwenta

There were 3 roosters a straight one, a retarted one, and a gay one.
The straight one said cock-a-doodle-doo, the dumb one said
Ak-a-ak-a-hoo, and the gay one said Any-cock-'ll-do.

What does Bill Clinton like on his sandwich?
Answer: Monicas tits

Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's.
So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first
time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake. "Ted," his manager
said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer
before they order." His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger.
This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember
to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."
At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached
Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me
all the money you got in that register kid!" Ted took one
look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said,
"Would you like that for here or to go?"

Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened
the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked. "You can't eat them
if the seal is broken" Little Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal...."

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood
as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?"
he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early
were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened,"
countered the prisoner.

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section
of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife
were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and
protested to the judge that since she had brought the children
into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old
mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge
asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of
silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy
bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he
got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on
sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the
members. A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they complimented her on the
speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I
was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried
it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk,
and the second time he fell off."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day
and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?"
was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John,"
the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't
know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at
before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only -Smith,
Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as
Mr.Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your
last name?"The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name
is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Painted at the rear end of a garbage truck: "I am your friend,
put your trash in me."

May isang jeep na hinoldap ng 5 armadong kalalakihan.
May isang sakay na magandang babae na mayroong P500
sa kanyang bulsa. Para di makuha ang pera, sinimplihan
niyang ilagay sa kanyang panty ang pera. Nakalusot siya
sa holduppers. Nung bumaba na siya, naisip niyang kumain
sa isang Chinese restaurant para magpahinga at magpawala
ng kaba. Kumain siya at kinuha niya ang P500 pangbayad.
Maya-maya lumapit ang manager at sinabing: "Miss peke
ata tong P500 nyo." Babae: "Ha? Bakit? Ano ka hilo totoo
yan!" Manager: "Kasi po, dito litrato Ninoy, Ninoy nakadila!"

Anak: Mommy, hayop po ba ang talong?
Ina: Di yon. Baket mo natanong?
Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya kay daddy, kuya, hayop ang
talong mo anlaki.

Isang pasyente na nadiagnose na merong syphilis,
gonorrhea, and AIDS ang balak magpa-confine sa isang hospital.
Doctor: O cige. Ang pwede mo lang kainin ay pancakes.
Pasyente: Bakit po?
Doctor: Eh yun lang ang maiipapasok namin sa ilalim ng pintuan eh.

Q: Bakit si Efren ang napili sa commercial ng SMB?
A: Kasi, Sarap Maging Bungal

Sa Swapping Corner ng Buy N Sell.
Ham Sandwich to swap with Chicken sandwich.

Q: Ano ang mas matalim? Pwet o ngipin?
A: Pwet. Kasi ang pwet, kayang pumutol ng tae.
Ang ngipin, hindi. Sige nga. Try mo.

WIFE: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing.
Naasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
Husband: Pero mahal, Kung hindi ako lasing,
ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!

TO THE TUNE OF *EAT BULAGA*
pula ang ari,
hanggang dulo
halina at kan2tan tayo
isang libog,
isang tuwad
buong buraaaaaaaaaaat...
EEEEAT MO LAHAT!!!

Q: why did the elephant cross the road?
A: to get to the other side

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